The ____ of Knowing

He lies there, still. His arms thin and veiny, the bluing lines stretch across beneath the tired bruised skin. An inhale, shaky and wisping, a pause. Eyes opening softly, red and teary, he looks up at me. Contorting, his mouth tries to bring a smile. An exhale.
My hand holds his, the cold stiff fingers sucking warmth from me. A beep from the monitor hanging next to the bed. Gloomy grey seeps in from the overcast skies outside the shuttered window. Wires and tubes stretch out over his body like a web.
His chest rises, falls.
Pressure behind my eyes, tears building. I want to cry, I want to, but it won’t come.
He closes his eyes, his face sliding back to a detached neutrality.
A beep from the machine; another. The faint ringing of an alarm in the hallway.
His feeble hand goes limp in mine; I don’t have the strength to hold it tight anymore.
Sticky and slow, I swallow nothing, staring at him.
A thin line traces flat on the monitor, no bumps, no heart. A nurse comes in the room and starts checking vitals again.
I know he’s gone. I know I’m alone.


“Ellie,” a voice cracked above the drone of the tires rolling over miles of unobserved road. The girl turned her head, shaking herself out of it quickly.
“Huh,” she responded.
“You zoned out there. Are you alright?”
“Yeah,” a pause held in her throat, “I just was… zoned out… I guess.”
She looked back out the windshield, the snow dusted evergreen trees flowing by overhead, the pale featureless white sky above, sparkling flakes drift down whipped by the car into chaotic circular arcs. A rhythmic thumping of the wipers crossing the window and back again, the faint deep hissing of hot dry air blasting from the vents set into the dash. Adjusting her posture, she leaned back and slid her foot onto the dashboard.
Her hand met his resting above the center console, she gripped it tightly, strength returned.


Flowing out of speakers, an old love song seeps out into the dimly lit room, violet lights cast the dance floor in a somniatic dreariness. My eyes stare up at a face looking down at me, a smile, pure and genuine, eyes full, encompassing me entirely. My heart beats heavily; i feel his against my cheek as i hold him closer, tighter. We dance, the music, each other, the entire universe is there in that moment.
He holds me; his arms around my body.
My white dress sways softly as we move slowly. I look up again; a faint wetness encroaches around his eyes, his smile is so full, stretching to the edges of his face. He mouths “I love you.”
Closing my eyes, it is his hands holding me, his warmth, the music, my heart, my happiness, my love.


Stepping down from the car, her boots sunk into the droves of snow collected at the side of the road, a fresh thin layer of wispy whiteness clung to the sidewalk, melted circles around drops of salt scattered hectically over the concrete tiles.
Slamming the door, he walked around the front of the car. His arms wrapped around her as she let out a surprised squeak. She melted into his embrace, the warmth of his body against hers, his arms encircling her, squeezing tightly into her beige coat. She looked up into his eyes as they looked down at her. The reminiscence of how he will look at her at their wedding filled her mind, echoing in her experience.

Eyes tracing the snow-dusted cracks between stones where weathered concrete filled the frosty gaps, she strolled forward. His boots planting firmly on the frosted rocks and then kicked out half absent-mindedly half animated, the man walked on, arm wrapped around her shoulder, his checkered sleeve scrunching a divot in the soft beige fabric of her coat.

"Garland," she said in a hoarse voice crackling above the breeze whipping by, as she turned to look up at his grey eyes, "Do you think growing old together is the right objective?"

Garland looked into her brown eyes smiling curiously up at him. "Where's this coming from?" he retorted softly, sliding his arm from her shoulder to adjust his scarf as he continued pressing himself against her side.

"Oh nevermind." she chuckled, turning back to look further along the path at the street, lamps casting warm orange glows into the swirling air.

"I'm curious, Ellie. Seems like a big question; I just wasn't expecting it, y'know?"

Ellie trudged on, the gray fabric on her non water proof boots began to darken as it got slightly damp from the droves of snow she kicked through.

"I guess I'm just thinking," she continued after a while, eyes fixed on the pulsating light glinting off of a car's hood a couple yards away, "I love being with you--and love you, of course--but everyone always talks about growing old together. Doesn't that miss the present?"

"Doesn't that just mean spending our lives together?" he offered, bearded face turned to her.

"But even that. Why is the importance always placed on the future. The nebulous, indefinable future. If I love being with you now, isn't that enough? Shouldn't it matter more for it to be good and loving for the present?" she exclaimed outwardly, breath crystallizing in swirling arcs escaping from her mouth.

"Do you not think we're gonna last?" Garland asked, his tone betraying a tinge of concern.

"No--I mean yes—err," she corrected shaking her head, "I think we're gonna be together for a long time. I love you and want to be with you."

"So what's with the philosophizing?"

"If the burden is on the future, then doesn't that forget the present? We don't live in the future; we'll never live in the future. We only have now--the present. Shouldn't the burden be on being happy and loved now? Now and always?"

"I don't think I understand what you're getting at?" He expressed, placing his arm around her.

"Nevermind," she sighed, turning to look at him with a weak smile, "Let's get to dinner. It's cold"


My face is warm, red light seeps through my closed eyelids. Beyond waves flow up and down the shoreline, the faint rushing as they topple over each other.
“Ellie,” his booming voice echoing in my ears.
Turning my head to squint out at him, his reddening shoulder, the sun glasses on his face glinting brightly, his smile.
“Catch some waves?” he offered excitedly.
I inhale, salty breeze wafting through my nostrils. The sun blaring down from high above.
“Let’s just stay here for a little longer,” I respond absentmindedly, my hand reaching for his.
“Alright,” he says reclining back onto a sand dusted towel, his hand wrapping around mine as I close my eyes again.


A bell jangled as the door swung open, a woosh of blistery wind whipping by into the warm recesses of the restaurant. Dark wood, amber glow from a fireplace leaking out from wall, she walked inside as the wind slammed the door shut behind them.
“For two,” Garland said to the hostess as he held up two fingers of his gloved hand.

“So,” Ellie said softly, nodding indistinctly as her eyes scanned over the beige walls and the stained beams crossing over the ceiling. An incandescent fixture rocked slowly hanging from the ceiling.
She pushed the metal napkin holder to the side and slid her ungloved hand across the waxed table to Garlands. Her reddened knuckles whitened as she squeezed against his hand.
“So,” Garland responded, unfolding his scarf with his free hand.


A breeze flows by through an open window, the faint aromas of leaves and a cool stillness spiral in from the browning trees outside.
Garland looks out the window, his face pulled tight, dampness at the recesses of his redish eyelids. His hand moves over his face, wiping at his cheeks.
“Ellie, I-I’m…” his sigh leaks out, the echoes reverberating off the beige walls, off the bookshelves stuffed full of novels that meant so much to us when we read them.
“Garland?” my voice creaks out weakly, barely louder than the breeze whipping around the house.
“The doctor said I have three months. I-I” he trails off as tears collect in his eyes. His body collapses into mine as I try to hold him, try to keep him together as the violent news hits me and washes over.
Outside, a tree stands, leaves browning and fluttering off the branches, collecting in droves around the yard.

She wiped her hand over her eye, a faint darkening on the sleeve from the moisture spreading into the fabric. Garland looked down at the menus resting on the table, his hand fidgeting with the wrapped utensils laying on a small plate.

“Hey, you good?” he asked, his eyes moving up to hers.

She shook her head slightly, focusing back on the present.

“Oh, yeah, sorry,” she said softly.

“Okay,” he added with a smile.

She reached for a menu and flipped it open. A full page of words and numbers and fonts laid out in front of her. She sighed and looked off past Garland’s smiling face to the snow-dusted window.

“We’ll take it!” he expresses proudly, his smile wider than his face.
A stool pulled up to a marble-topped island in the center of a modern styled kitchen.
I look out to the window, the verdant grass beyond, a firm tree in the ample yard, leaves a brilliant green.
“I think this is the one,” I add to the proceedings as the realtor marks something quick in her notebook.
“This is where we’ll make our life together,” I add smiling at him, overwhelmed by the intense comfort I feel as he beams at me, his hand squeezing mine, a ring pressing into my hand.
His smile, his face, I find myself lost in his infinite grey eyes staring deeply into mine.


Garland adjusted in his seat as he looked over the menu, hand locked in hers. Eltanin stared up at his contorted face: cheeseburger but no tomato.
She looked down at her own menu, scanning over the myriad of similar choices, crippled by sameness of all the decisions.
“What’re you getting,” he asked over the chatter and soft indie rock playing from some speaker somewhere.
“I’m not sure,” she responded, looking back up into his eyes, “I’m not feeling anything heavy, but not really in the mood for anything light.”
He chuckled, sliding his menu to the side of table as his other hand reached across to hers. Holding her hands tightly he smiled as his gaze averted to the wall behind her. Shifting back, his eyes met hers.
“That rules out most of the things, huh?” he attempted a response.
“I guess,” Eltanin said, looking back down at the list of options spread out in front of her.
The door opened, cold rushed in with the harrowing wind whipping by outside the amber warmth of the restaurant.

“Ready to order?” the waiter asked, his hair pulled back into a professional pony as his unshaven face contorted a smile.
“Yes. I’ll get a rum and coke, and can I get the cheeseburger, but hold the tomato,” Garland said, folding his menu up and positioning it at the end of the table.
“And for you,” the waiter asked, his innocent enough question rushing her into a tiny panic.
“Ahh,” she expressed scanning over the menu she forgot to study, “I’ll have the caesar wrap,” pointing to the item on the waxy laminated page.
“Wonderful,” he said, “anything to drink?”
Her lip tightened, eyes darting back to the menu, desperately searching for a drink list that wasn’t on the open page.
“Just a regular margarita, if you have it,” she said as a resort.
“We have mango, lime, orange, and mixed berry margaritas?” he responded helpfully.
“Surprise me!” Eltanin blurted out, her brow betraying the uncertainty she had modulated her tone to mask.
“Great, I’ll be right out with those drinks,” the waiter expressed as he took the menus and slipped away.


“I just wish you would have asked me!” my voice slips away into the dry air circulating the room.
“It’s more money, Ellie,” he shoots back, “We can barely afford to stay afloat as is.”
A growl from the radiator under the window looking out at the snow dusted streets below.
“But you didn’t even ask me! We’re supposed to be a team; we’re supposed to make decisions together!” I exclaim, my voice peaked with a mix of emotions and holding back the intensity leaking out.
“It’s what’s best for us, right? I mean, were we gonna stay in New York being poor forever?”
A warmth in my cheeks, my heart beating quickly inside my chest.
“I’m not mad about moving or you getting a new job - I’m mad about you not fucking taking to me first!” escapes from my lips as I attempt to snatch it back.
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m fucking sorry I’m trying to give us a better life together. I’m fucking sorry I want to give you the life you deserve because I fucking love you!” He yells, his cheeks flush and his eyes misty.
“Fuck you!” I yell back, his words piercing something inside me.
A silence hangs, the ringing pang of a pre-war radiator echoes off the hardwood, the white wall dotted with memories stored in picture frames.
“I’m sorry,” I say reactively to the pain.
“No. I’m sorry,” he responds calmly, his head pointing towards the window, his cheeks glistening as the sun peaks through the dense clouds flowing.


Grease caught dripping lightly from his beard, Garland wiped his mouth with a napkin. He took another bite, savoring the flavor as it dissolved in his mouth.
Eltanin’s glass clinked back down on the table as the sweet liquid stings down the back of her throat, eyes staring blankly past Garland at a row of novelties resting on a shelf.
“El?” his voice boomed out.
She blinked as her gaze moved to him.
“huh?” she let out.
“You seem distracted today. Everything alright?”
“Yeah. I don’t know. Sucks we have to go back home this winter and I won’t be able to see you until January I guess.”
He nodded.
“Well, we can call and stuff; it’s not like I’ll be MIA”
“That’s true. Last winter break though before we graduate.”
“Yeah. But we’ll have more winters together, just not in college.”
“I like that,” she added, her grip tightening on the stem of the glass.


Blues encompass all. Lights shine in hazy ambivalence. The band plays with fervent intensity, passion mixing with emotion. I stare up - his eyes, his face, a look of complete and total adoration. The crowd fades, the band slips away, the entire room is nothing, a void. It is us; it is me holding him, music swirling around us, pushing me closer into his warm embrace. His eyes looking at me, a smile conveying his unuttered feelings.
We dance, slow. The swings of our bodies with the melody.
A rise, a note sustained. He leans in, his lips embrace mine. Eternity in that moment. The music dissipates, time is lost, it is only us forever in that brief moment of perfect bliss.
The chorus ends, the chatter of the crowd rises back, and I am there again in the venue. He still looks at me smiling, lost in a love he hasn’t said. I smile back, forever and always in that brief moment, lost then, back to drone of live music, the cacophony of people eagerly anticipating the next act.


She bit into the wrap quickly, scrolling through urgent emails unopened on her phone. Garland dipped a fry in ketchup, munching it as he reached across the table, his hand waiting expectantly next to her occupied fingers. Turning the phone over on the table, she grabbed his hand and scooted herself closer to him.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said,” Garland started, “and I think being together for a long time is important, y’know. Like, if a couple—not us, like, a hypothetical couple—aren’t going to last, won’t that make all the time they spend together seem wasted in retrospect? Won’t an inevitable break up taint the memories?”
“But like,” Eltanin interjected fervently, “if they enjoy their time together when they’re together isn’t that still important? Even if memories sully, it was good when it was?”
“Sure, and being happy in the present is important; why would people be together if they weren’t happy? But, I just don’t see how staying together for the long haul isn’t the most important.”
“So they shouldn’t be together just because it will end? Everything ends! Life ends, so we shouldn’t live? Relationships end, so we shouldn’t love?”
“That’s not what I’m saying; I just think it’s important to last. But no one knows how things end, so it’s not like they would have a clue. When alls said and done, we only have memories.”
“So everything people do is just for posterity then?”
She swallowed and adjusted her shirt.
“No,” he responded, “I guess… I don’t know. Maybe you’re right. If we can’t know the future, then we do only have the present.”
“But I love you know and I want to make those memories with you, I want to be with you for however long we have!”
“El,” his voice changed slightly, his concerned eyes piercing, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m with you. I love being with you and I want to be with you; I’m not going anywhere.”
A faint drop slipped from her eye and lingered on her cheek.
“If we aren’t speaking hypothetically,” he began, “and we knew we wouldn’t last, I would still be with you. Even if we broke up tomorrow, today is amazing and I love you right now.”
“Thanks,” she said, her voice cracking a little, “I love you. Now—and always.”


Heart quickening as he sits down next to me, a techno beat playing from an Iphone plugged into a speaker.
“Hey, I’m Garland,” he said, presenting a semi-drunk handshake.
“Eltanin,” I respond bravely, the knowledge of what’s to come lingering in the recesses of my memory.”